


They didn't have you where I come from

by drunkkenobi



Series: Ellie [1]
Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF
Genre: Adoption, Anxiety, Established Relationship, Fluff, Future Fic, Kid Fic, M/M, Marriage, Mild Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:40:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25266994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkkenobi/pseuds/drunkkenobi
Summary: Ryan finally cut through the static, holding Shane’s face in his hands. He was smiling big enough to power a nuclear reactor. “Shane! A baby, we’re getting a baby!”Or:A prequel
Relationships: Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej
Series: Ellie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1830517
Comments: 24
Kudos: 151
Collections: Daddy Month





	They didn't have you where I come from

**Author's Note:**

> Immediately after finishing "how long do you wanna be loved? is forever enough?" I knew I wanted to write a prequel about what it took for these two goofs to become dads. (It also helped that Daddy Month became a thing.) The following is a series of vignettes on their journey.
> 
> Thanks to yesi and bee for the beta. thanks to the discord for the encouragement and help with some of the details. title from The Chicks "Lullaby" (again).

**April 2021**

They had been married for 47 minutes when the interrogation started.

“So, you boys are married now! When am I getting a grandkid or two?” Shane’s mom asked them as the wedding photographer took shots of the groomsmen.

“Mom, c’mon, we haven’t even had the reception yet,” Shane replied with a sigh.

Ryan gave her a big toothy grin. It was so bright against the electric blue of his tuxedo that it was nearly blinding. “We’ll get there. Gonna take some time for us, first, but we will.”

“And we can’t exactly pop one out, either, so don’t start taking bets or anything,” Shane warned.

“Well, don’t wait too long, either. You’re almost 35 for Pete’s sake,” Sherry said as she fiddled with the collar of Shane’s mustard yellow tux. 

“Ah, but see, that’s why I married a younger man.”

“And here I thought you married me because you loved me. Man, I’m a sucker,” Ryan joked, shaking his head.

“One born every minute,” Shane agreed, giving Ryan a wink.

“Adopt one of them so I can be Grandma Sherry!”

“ _Mom_!”

* * *

The next wave didn’t hit for a week, and it was much harder to ignore.

“I want one,” Ryan announced as they walked around the Gorilla Falls Exploration Trail at Animal Kingdom.

“What, a meerkat? They’re very cute, but I don’t think Obi would be as endeared,” Shane said as he watched a couple of meerkats stand at alert out from their underground homes. 

“Nope.”

Shane angled around to see that Ryan wasn’t even looking at the meerkats. He was smiling at a little boy sitting on his dad’s shoulders next to them.

“We said we were gonna wait,” Shane reminded him. “Just be married for a while.”

Ryan’s grin widened as the little boy shouted and pointed towards the meerkats. “Yeah, I know.”

“Um, okay, then.” Shane was not sure where this conversation was headed, but he was sure he did not want to be having it on his honeymoon in front of impressionable children and meerkats alike.

“Okay, don’t get your undies all in a twist there, big guy,” Ryan said as he rubbed a hand against Shane’s lower back. “I’m just saying, whenever you’re ready, I’m there.”

“It may not be for a while, Ryan. You know that.”

“I do. But you’ll catch up to me. You always do,” Ryan said before leaning up to press a kiss to Shane’s cheek. “C’mon, I wanna see the okapis. They’re part giraffe, just like you.”

They spent the rest of the day taking in the rides and animals, but the conversation didn’t feel finished to Shane. They were getting ready for bed back in their hotel, Shane setting his alarm and Ryan hunched over a map of Epcot, his phone, and a notebook where he kept readjusting their schedule for tomorrow, when Shane brought it back up.

(Going to Disney World with Ryan Bergara was not some care-free vacation. It was a _production_.)

“So, I think we should hit Mexico first and then go clockwise around the World Showcase, especially if we want to get a drink in each country. Do you think my mom will be mad if I’m trashed by the time we get to Japan, though?”

“It really may not be for a long time, Ry,” Shane said instead, still too focused on the earlier conversation to entertain Ryan’s question.

“I don’t think it’ll take _that_ long to get over there. Unless you’re gonna be a big nerd about every country. You’re gonna be a big nerd, aren’t you?” Ryan asked with a knowing grin.

“I’m not talking about that.” Shane barrelled forward while he had the momentum. “I mean about kids. I’m really not...I’m not there right now. And I don’t think I will be in a month or even six months. And I need you to be okay with that.”

Ryan leaned back in the hotel desk chair, his arms behind his head in that way that made Shane’s mouth run dry. “I know, Shane. And I am okay with it. I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.”

“Even if it takes a year?” 

“Yup.”

“Two years?”

Ryan pushed himself up out of the chair to step in front of where Shane was sitting on the bed. “Yes.”

Shane’s hands found the back of Ryan’s thighs. “Five years?” 

“I’ll complain the whole time, but yes, that’s still okay,” Ryan said as his fingers sunk into Shane’s hair.

“Ten years?”

“Now you’re just being a dick.”

“I’m serious, Ryan, I’m the tortoise in the race of life. It took me four years of living alone in California before I adopted a fucking cat,” Shane told him. “I really can’t tell you when I’ll be ready.”

“Shane, I know all of this about you. It’s kind of an integral part of our story. If you think I didn’t consider that before locking this down, you’re an idiot,” Ryan said, twirling the ends of Shane’s hair around his fingers. 

Shane laughed. “You’re much more patient than anyone gives you credit for, you know that?”

“I do.” Ryan pushed Shane back onto the bed, following him easily. He ducked his head to kiss along Shane’s jaw up towards his ear. “You’re worth the wait.”

**July 2022**

Things were good. Crazy, as was the life of a mildly famous internet celebrity and small business owner, but that was par for the course. Watcher was busier than ever, having recently passed the 4 million subscriber mark and greenlit their first shows from new producers. They even had a new office with a small studio space, now. Like a real production company and everything.

Life with Ryan was even better. After months of looking, they’d finally moved into a house with a backyard and garage, the whole nine. It was a rental, because the LA housing market was a unique and special nightmare, but their landlord was nice enough. Lounging out on the back porch, watching Obi chase bugs and Ryan wrestle with the grill was always the best part of Shane’s week. 

Shane and Ryan’s relationship hadn’t changed too much with marriage. Shane’s stomach would still swoop at the sight of Ryan in a tank top and Ryan still laughed harder at Shane’s jokes than anyone. They were a good team, always on the same page, whether it was in front of the camera, in a business meeting, or in the bedroom. 

Life was good. Really good.

But Shane knew it wasn’t enough for Ryan.

The way his entire body lit up when Katie would bring her son into the office. How he’d jump at the chance to babysit for TJ even when they had an early video shoot the next day. He even volunteered to sit at the kid’s table during Bergara family gatherings. It wasn’t subtle.

Shane, on the other hand, turned into a sweaty, awkward mess every time a kid was within ten feet. He didn’t know how to talk to them, always turning into a poor man’s Jimmy Stewart, stuttering about nickel and dime stores, despite the fact that Shane was born two decades after their time. They were so small, too. How did anything that small survive? It was mind-boggling. The only things Shane had ever taken care of were his pets and so far, only Obi had made it out alive. He didn’t love those odds. 

Shane kept waiting for the switch to flip. One day, he assumed, the sight of a small human wouldn’t stress him out. But the longer that day went without coming, the less sure Shane became that Ryan would keep his promise. That he really would wait on him. 

But, for once in his life, Shane stopped waiting. He flipped the switch himself. 

It was a Saturday. He’d slept in after a particularly grueling week of animating Puppet History while Ryan had left early for a basketball game with Jake. Shane made some breakfast and sat at the kitchen island with Obi on the barstool next to him. 

“You want some of my toast?” Shane offered, tearing off a small piece of crust.

Obi reached out with his paw for it. Chuckling, Shane placed the bread on the stool for him and watched him eat. He couldn’t believe he’d gone so long without having a cat. He loved this bizarre little furry creature more than he would’ve ever imagined. 

“Look at you! My perfect orange boy.”

Obi licked his chops before tilting his head, still interested in more of Shane’s breakfast. Shane gave him a chin scratch instead, smiling as he felt the vibrations of a soft purr. 

“Aw, sweet Obi. I love you too, buddy.”

As Shane continued to pet his cat, he was hit with a powerful realization. He had only spent four out of his thirty-six years with Obi, but they had been the best four years of his life. It wasn’t only because of Obi—those were also the four years he’d been with Ryan—but having Obi to care for and watch him open up and to be a source of unconditional love had been profound for Shane. Even when he was a pain, pooping outside the litter box or yakking up a hairball on Ryan’s $200 shoes, he was still Shane’s precious son, one he’d do anything for. It was worth it just to hear those sweet purrs.

“Oh fuck,” Shane muttered as he stared at Obi’s wide, golden eyes. “That’s why people do it, isn’t it? Because all the stress and nightmares in the world are worth it to love someone so much.”

Holy shit. No wonder Ryan had wanted kids for so long. He understood love better than anyone. Certainly better than Shane, not that that was hard. Sometimes Shane really did wonder why Ryan even put up with his emotional constipation, but he was grateful he did.

After wolfing down the rest of his breakfast, Shane began rearranging their spare bedroom. They’d never really done much with it, just put an old futon in it and a bunch of overflow boxes they’d never gotten around to unpacking. Shane made piles, for giveaway, for keeping, and for Ryan to decide whether to keep or giveaway. He was sorting through some old books when Ryan got home.

“Yo, big guy!”

“In here!”

Ryan leaned against the doorframe, his arms still gleaming with sweat. “What’re you doing?”

“Cleaning this room out. Do you want to keep all these old Lakers tchotchkes?”

“Duh.” Ryan joined him on the floor, flicking the head of a Magic Johnson bobblehead from the Ryan pile. “I thought you were gonna take it easy this weekend after Premier gave you so much guff this week.”

Shane tossed some old self-help books of Ryan’s into the giveaway pile and a history book into the keep one. “Yeah, but we gotta clear all this shit outta here and there’s no time like the present.”

“For what? Oh shit, are your parents coming into town and I totally forgot?”

“No.” Shane leaned back on his hands, glancing around at the walls. “What color do you like? I was thinking a pale yellow with maybe one different wall where we could do something fun, like a chalk wall or paint some fun scenes or something. Maybe Sara can help.”

“Uh, well, you know I like yellow,” Ryan said, motioning to all the Lakers crap. “But we don’t even have _our_ bedroom painted. Can we even paint?”

“I checked the lease, we can.” Shane’s fingers dug into the carpet and he couldn’t quite meet Ryan’s face. “I was thinking the crib could go where the futon is. And I’ve got that old rocking chair of my grandpa’s, it could—”

“Crib?” Ryan interrupted, his voice small.

Pushing through the urge to run away from the emotional vulnerability of the moment, Shane made himself look at Ryan fully. Fear and anticipation were etched along every plane of his face, from his wide eyes to his bitten lower lip. Shane edged his fingers across the floor until they found Ryan’s.

“Yeah. And a changing table could go across the room. Maybe put in some shelves too, for toys and stuff.”

Ryan took a deep, steadying breath. His voice cracked anyway. “You’re ready?” 

“Yeah,” Shane said, and he knew it was true.

Ryan let out a bark of laughter before tackling Shane in a hug. “Fuck you. Why can’t you just _say_ shit?”

“Because this is much more fun,” Shane explained as he tucked his nose into Ryan’s neck. He was a sweaty, smelly mess, but Shane didn’t let go.

“You’re really ready?” Ryan asked, his voice muffled against Shane’s shoulder. “Not just saying it for me?”

Shane smiled. Ryan had asked the same thing when they got engaged. “I’m ready, Ry. I want to adopt a baby.”

Ryan pulled back. His face was entirely bright and shiny now. “A baby.”

Next thing Shane knew, he was being kissed so forcefully that he fell back on the carpet. Ryan fell on top of him, his hands tangled in Shane’s hair. 

“Ow, hey, warn a guy,” Shane said.

“Sorry,” he replied, not sounding sorry at all. He slid off to rest on the carpet, but kept his head on Shane’s chest and his arm slung around him. Shane wrapped his own arms around Ryan, holding him close.

“What changed?” Ryan asked.

“Obi and I had a chat about it this morning and I realized why people go through with this whole crazy thing in the first place.”

“And why is that?”

“Because it will be worth all the hard parts, to raise this little human into a full-fledged person. Sort of like how starting a company is the stupidest, hardest thing in the world and we did it anyway because we knew it would be worth it.”

“Are you comparing our business baby to our actual future baby?” 

“Well, yeah. It was that or an Obi metaphor. Should I have gone with the cat one?”

Ryan snorted. “No, it was good. I guess I’m a little surprised you figured it out already. I really thought you were gonna have me waiting five years.”

“I was too,” Shane said truthfully. “And to be fair, I don’t think I’m as ready as you are. But I am ready to try.”

“It’s gonna be hard, you know that, right? Like way harder than Watcher, and we won’t be able to bring Steven in to save our asses,” Ryan said, twisting around to look at him, his chin on Shane’s chest.

“Well, we _can_ make him babysit.”

“I’m serious, Shane, this is a huge fucking deal. There’s no backing out once we do this, and I’m gonna need you to not shy away from the hard stuff.”

“I’ll take all the diaper duty, I promise,” he grinned. 

Unamused, Ryan rolled his eyes. “You know that’s not the kind of hard stuff I mean.”

“I know,” Shane said quietly. “But that’s what I have you for, isn’t it?”

Ryan smiled one of those blinding Ryan Bergara smiles. “Really? I thought it was this hot piece of ass.”

Shane grabbed a handful of said ass. “It can be two things.”

That night, after going two full rounds like they were in their twenties again, Ryan pressed his face into Shane’s neck and softly muttered, “A baby.”

Shane smiled into Ryan’s hair. “A baby.”

**November 2022**

Ryan’s 32nd birthday was supposed to be special. Not because 32 had any special meaning, but because it was going to be his last as a non-parent and he wanted to really go all out. Have a kegger and dance to shitty music from his college days and play beer pong, the whole nine. But the week before the party, their adoption agency called. The birth mother who was considering them had gone with another couple. 

“I’m canceling it.”

“C’mon, let’s still have people over. It’ll be nice to see everyone, and I’m sure they want to celebrate with you,” Shane said as he rubbed Ryan’s back on the couch.

“I’m not in a fucking party mood, Shane, why don’t you get that?” he asked, jaw clenched. “Or are you not as devastated as I am?”

“They said this could happen, Ryan, we knew it was a possibility—”

“Stop fucking saying that!” Ryan interrupted, shrugging Shane’s hand off of him. “No one knows to not get his hopes up better than me, alright? I fucking _know_. And I’m still allowed to be fucking sad about it.”

“I just want you to have a good birthday and I think it might be good if you hung out with your buddies.”

“Well, I don’t, okay? Because everyone knows we’re doing this and they’re going to ask about it, and all fucking night I’ll be reminded that we don’t have our kid yet and there’s no guarantee we’ll ever get one because same-sex interracial YouTubers aren’t exactly at the top of everyone’s list!”

Shane’s heart broke as Ryan finished with his head in his hands. He didn’t know what to do, how to make this better. He couldn’t distract him or make him laugh or even squeeze his hand in any way that mattered. All of his usual foolproof “cheer Ryan Bergara up” tactics didn’t cover this staggering level of disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said quietly. “I thought it might help.”

“I know.” Ryan sniffed and wiped at his nose. “But I don’t need help, Shane. Let me be sad for awhile.”

Shane nodded. “Okay.”

They laid down on the couch, Shane curled up around Ryan as much as he could, hugging him like a weighted blanket, his nose pressed into the back of Ryan’s head. 

After a few minutes, Ryan squeezed Shane’s hand against his chest. “It’s okay for you to be sad, too, big guy.”

“I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me.”

“Shane, c’mon. We just finished setting up the nursery, I know you’re not okay, either,” Ryan said softly. 

Shane closed his eyes, thinking of how they’d held off on putting the crib together until it was going to be a sure thing. “Bad luck,” Ryan had sworn for months, letting it sit in its box as they worked on getting the rest of the room finished. But last week, after their adoption agency told them it was down to them and one other couple for a baby that was due any day now, they went and assembled it.

(Shane still didn’t believe in luck, good or bad, but he understood more than ever why Ryan did.)

Shane thought of all the baby supplies that remained unopened in the nursery; the diapers and clothes and bottles and everything else they had been storing, just waiting on the day. He wondered if it was his fault, that maybe the years of declaring he was “strange and off-putting” on the internet had turned the birth parents off. Worst of all, he remembered the way Ryan’s face fell when they got the call. All of it was gurgling through his body, roiling like a toxic sludge against his bones.

“This sucks,” Shane muttered as Ryan trembled in his arms.

“It really does.”

Shane squeezed Ryan closer.

* * *

Ryan was still pretty blue by time the 26th rolled around. Shane had an idea that was either going to make it a great day or a complete disaster. It was a toss-up at this point.

They took the day off from Watcher, sleeping in and watching Jurassic Park in bed until Shane took them out for tacos from Ryan’s favorite taco truck. Despite being in his thirties, Ryan could still put back an astonishing amount of food, so they were parked on the picnic benches nearby for quite some time while he ate and Shane mainlined Tums and water. Then they grabbed a matinee, a B-horror movie that was just okay, but the best option considering the rest of the movies were typical family-oriented or holiday ones. Taking Ryan to a Pixar movie right now would be considered cruel and unusual at best.

“So, what now? Dinner?” Ryan asked as they walked back to their car.

“Jesus, were ten tacos and two buckets of popcorn not enough?”

“It’s my birthday, I can eat whatever I want.”

“Yeah, but I’m the one you share a bathroom with, remember?”

Ryan grinned, some of that bratty glint back in his eyes. “So?” 

“Love you too, babe,” Shane said with an exaggerated roll of his eyes. “I actually have a place in mind for us to go. No food, though.”

“Where is that?”

“It’s a surprise.”

Ryan hated that, trying to guess the entire drive, but he was way off. He didn’t get it until Shane pulled into the shelter’s parking lot.

“Shane...what are we doing here?” he asked, full of suspicion.

“This shelter has a litter of dachshund puppies I thought it might be nice to meet,” Shane replied, eyeing him carefully. 

“Jesus Christ,” Ryan sighed as his head hit the back of the seat.

“We don’t have to go in,” Shane added quickly. “We can leave right now and go get you a pizza the size of my head if you want.”

Ryan didn’t say anything for a few moments as he stared out at the animal shelter’s front door. A little girl was snuggling with a kitten as her mom tried to coax her to put it back in the carrier. 

“Are they available? For, you know,” Ryan eventually asked.

“I double-checked when you were in the bathroom after the movie. None have been snatched up yet.”

Ryan unclipped his seatbelt. “Okay, yeah. Fuck it. Let’s go.”

The shelter was rowdy, a cacophony of animal noises and people trying to talk over said animal noises. The cats were all up front, and it was very hard to ignore all the small orange kittens that could pass for Obi. 

“Hi, I called a little bit ago asking about your dachshund puppies?” Shane asked the woman at the front desk.

“Oh yes! I just finished the papers on one, so we’re down to three now. I’ll show you to them, follow me.”

Shane felt Ryan stiffen beside him, but three puppies were still available. Surely that was enough.

“Mayer just got adopted,” the shelter employee explained as they approached the crate. “So we’ve got Frank, she’s the black one here, Nathan, the dappled one, and then little Oscar is in the back, hiding under that blanket.”

Shane had never seen such tiny legs on an animal before and he immediately had to scoop one up. Frank and Nathan were both yapping for attention, their little tails wagging a mile a minute, so he grabbed both. They squirmed in his hands, desperately trying to lick his face.

Laughing, Shane held them against his chest so they wouldn’t jump out of his hold. “Hey, Ryan, look, I’ve got a couple of hot dogs here.”

“I’ve never heard that one before,” Ryan said, shaking his head before kneeling down by the crate. Oscar burrowed further under his blanket.

“Yeah, we don’t know why he’s so shy. He’s healthy and everything, just seems to be a little scared in here,” the employee explained.

“It’s okay, little buddy,” Ryan said in a high voice, poking his finger through the holes of the crate. “Have a sniff, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

A little brown nose peeked out from the blanket, wiggling at Ryan’s finger. It then quickly retreated back under the covers.

“You wanna hold one of these little fellas?” Shane asked, offering a puppy to Ryan.

Ryan didn’t look up from where he was staring at the puppy-shaped lump in the crate. “Not right now.”

Shane set Frank and Nathan back down while he chatted with the employee about the adoption process and fees and general puppy-care. Every time he glanced at Ryan, he was still kneeling and encouraging little Oscar to come out.

“If you want, I can pick him up,” the employee offered, but Ryan shook his head.

“Give him a minute.”

Shane gave her a shrug, trying to convey “ _Husbands_!” “He’s really not coming out of there, is he?”

“He will,” Ryan said confidently. “C’mere little guy. You’re okay.”

After a few more encouraging words, the little nose appeared again, followed by a snout and then an entire head. He cautiously sniffed Ryan’s fingers as he shook off the blanket. With a giant smile, Ryan reached in to pick him up. Oscar immediately licked Ryan’s face, his tiny tail wagging like crazy. 

“Is he coming home with us?” Shane asked even though he already knew the answer.

Ryan handed him over to Shane, grinning as Shane cradled him against his chest. “You bet your buns he is, big guy.”

* * *

That night, Shane laid out some beach towels in their backyard along with a small cooler of beer and snacks. While they drank, Oscar ran around the yard, sniffing every plant and fence post and brand new toy there was for him to discover.

“Wow, look at him go,” Shane laughed as Oscar gamely tried to drag a stuffed duck the size of himself across the yard. 

“Eyes bigger than his stomach,” Ryan agreed.

“Just like his dad,” Shane said with a wink.

“Mmhmm” Ryan murmured, taking a long pull of his beer.

“I know it’s not the same—” Shane started.

“It’s not.” Ryan grabbed Shane’s hand and pressed a kiss to the back of it. “But it’s still a really good birthday gift. One of the best I’ve ever gotten, and my parents get me yearly passes to Disneyland, so stiff competition.”

Shane copied him, kissing Ryan’s knuckles. “Next year. I promise.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep,” Ryan said before crawling onto the grass to play with Oscar.

Always the pessimist. Shane was going to have to do something about that. But one thing at a time.

“Did he tucker himself out?” Shane asked as Ryan brought a yawning Oscar back onto the towels. Ryan held him so carefully against his chest it made Shane’s own ache.

“Yeah. Puppies do that pretty easily. Don’t you?” Ryan pet along Oscar’s forehead, laughing when he yawned again.

Shane copied him, stroking a finger up the soft hair of Oscar’s head. “I meant to ask earlier. What was it about him? The other two were going crazy just at the sight of us.”

Oscar was fast asleep in Ryan’s arms already, his nose tucked into the crook of Ryan’s elbow. “I guess I just knew he’d come out for me. You shy guys always do.”

“That’s not exactly what happened, you know that right?” Shane reminded him for the millionth time as he wrapped an arm around Ryan’s shoulders.

“I know that you were a chickenshit,” Ryan argued right back, like clockwork. He leaned heavily against Shane, quiet for a few minutes. “Next year?”

“I promise.”

**March 2023**

“Ready to head out?” Ryan asked as the screen of his computer went black.

“You go ahead, I want to get the rough draft of this script done today,” Shane told him.

“Alright, don’t be too late. Obi gives me death stares when you’re not around to pet him.”

Ryan gave him a quick peck on the lips before waving goodbye to Steven. Shane hunched over his keyboard, trying to find the words for this Puppet History introduction, but he was distracted by a pair of eyes watching him across from the office.

“Something on your mind, Steven?”

Steven’s office chair scraped across the floor. “Actually, there is. Can I ask you something? Feel free to say no.”

“Sure.” 

Steven swung Ryan’s abandoned chair around to deposit himself in it. “How’s everything going?”

“This script is driving me nuts and I cannot get that bakery to return my emails about doing a cake tasting there for Weird Wonderful, so, you know. It’s a Tuesday.”

“I meant with, you know, adoption stuff,” Steven clarified, his voice as gentle as a butterfly. 

“Oh.” Shane let out a long sigh as he leaned back in his chair. “No change. We’re still on the list, as they say, just waiting for someone to pick us.”

“That’s gotta be tough, waiting like that.”

“Yeah. I think Oscar’s been good for Ryan, though. Gives him something small and cute to look after and dress up in silly clothes.” Shane pulled out his phone. “Did we show you the Saint Patrick’s Day outfit Linda and Steve got us? It’s hilarious.”

“Yeah, that was great.” Steven leaned forward, elbows on his knees. “What about for you, though?”

“Oh, I love the tiny guy. I don’t understand him at all, but he’s a fun little rascal, and Obi doesn’t hate him, so that’s good enough for me.”

“Shane, you know that’s not what I meant,” Steven said, not unkindly. “How are you doing? Really?”

“Oh, you know,” Shane shrugged. “A little anxious. Not like Ryan, but it’s there. I think the birth control in this country is just too good.”

Steven ignored the bad joke. “Shane, c’mon. You put on a good face for everyone else, but I can tell that you’re not actually good.”

Shane sighed. He saw now that he wasn’t getting out of this so easily. “Do you corner Ryan like this on the days I go home early?”

“Sometimes,” he smiled slyly. “He opens up easier, though.”

“Always has,” Shane agreed. “So, what gave me away?”

“You stopped swearing in the Watcher Weeklys. And don’t try to tell me it’s about monetization because Ryan’s still cussing up a storm.”

Damn, Steven was good. Not the first time, Shane reminded himself to never wrong him. “Oh, yeah, that. I’m, it’s dumb, but I’m trying to change my image a little in the videos. Make myself more kid-friendly, I guess.”

“I get that. But why isn’t Ryan doing it too?”

Shane glanced over at his script that was not going to get finished tonight. “Because I know Ryan isn’t the problem.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because he’s Ryan and I’m me. He radiates Dad energy, he’s known for being goofball with a big heart. Me? Every video we put out, someone inevitably comments that I’m a demon underneath it,” Shane said as he pulled one of his legs up onto his chair, hugging it to his chest.

“Shane, no one thinks you’re an actual demon, you know that, right?”

“I know, but how do you explain a seven-year-old running joke that won’t die to someone who’s trying to decide who should raise the baby they’re carrying? You can’t,” Shane said flatly. “But it’s not just that. I know that I can be off-putting. I used to relish it, I loved when my Twitter comments were full of people yelling at me for some dumb bullshit. But now?” Shane pressed his forehead to his knee as the worry that had been swirling inside him for weeks spewed out. “I spent my whole career not giving a shit if people liked me and now I’m paying for it.”

“So you think being more family-friendly online will help,” Steven surmised.

“That’s the plan.”

“Well, it’s not a bad idea, but I also think you’re trying to fix something that isn’t the problem.”

“Enlighten me then.”

Steven took a moment, his fingers tented in front of his nose and mouth. If Steven wasn’t Steven, Shane would’ve been turned off by the youth pastor energy of it all. “The problem is there is no problem. You have no control over this huge thing in your life and you’re blaming yourself as a way to try and fix it.”

“But _I am_ the problem, Steven,” Shane argued. “I’m the one who made Ryan wait. I’m the one who wasn’t ready. It’s my fault we don’t have our kid.”

“Shane, that is the biggest load of horseshit I’ve ever heard.”

Shane’s foot slipped out from his chair back onto the floor. That was not the response he expected and not just because of the swear. “What?”

Steven rolled his sleeves up to his elbows, like he was ready to get down to business. “First of all, you guys haven’t even been married two years, that’s a very reasonable amount of time to wait.”

“I know, but Ryan was ready on day one. He told me so on our honeymoon,” Shane pointed out. “If I had been on the same page, we could already be parents.”

Steven briefly closed his eyes, like Shane was trying every last bit of his patience. It startled him; Ryan was usually the reason for that look. “Imagine that someone wrote into the podcast, asking if they should have a kid with their partner even though they weren’t ready themselves, what would we all tell them?”

“We’d probably go off on a tangent about baby shit, to be honest.”

“Sure, but eventually we’d tell them to wait until they were ready. Because that’s the right answer.” Steven reached out to squeeze Shane’s shoulder. “You did the right thing.”

Shane looked down and away, intensely uncomfortable with Steven’s earnest gaze. “It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like I waited too long to get my shit together and now we’ll never have our kid.”

“Yes, you will,” Steven said confidently. “Your kid is out there, the one that’s meant to be yours and Ryan’s, I just know it.”

“But how can you know?” Shane asked quietly.

“I have faith.”

“That’s not really my thing.”

“It doesn’t have to be faith in a higher power. You can have faith in the universe itself or, and hear me out on this, yourself. Crazy concept, I know,” Steven said with a smile.

Shane huffed out a small laugh. “Yeah, maybe.”

They sat quietly for a few minutes. Shane always liked that about Steven, that he knew how to let a moment breathe, that he wasn’t afraid of silences. It gave Shane a chance to admit to himself that it felt good to get all these fears and thoughts out of him. He’d kept them caged in his head for so long that he forgot they weren’t always there.

“It sucks, you know,” Shane said. “It took me a long time to be ready for this and now I am and I’m having to wait even longer.”

“It does suck,” Steven agreed. “I really am sorry it’s taking so long. I’m dying to know what Daddy Shane is like.”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. He had to remember to tell Ryan that later. “I am too, frankly. I’ve got no roadmap for this.”

“Yeah, but you’ll figure it out. Most people do.”

Shane wasn’t so sure about that, but he kept that one to himself. “I suppose. I’ve got Ryan at least, he’s got the power of at least two dads already.”

“Double Daddy Bergara,” Steven giggled.

“ _Steven_ ,” Shane admonished, cracking up himself. 

They chatted for awhile longer, mostly about Watcher and a K-drama Steven was currently bingeing. When it was finally time for them to head home, Shane clapped a hand on Steven’s shoulder.

“Thanks.”

“Of course,” Steven smiled. “It’ll happen, Shane. I know it will.”

“We’ll see.”

“Have a little faith.”

The only thing Shane had faith in was at home, probably trying to wrestle their dog into an Easter bunny costume. But still, Shane felt better despite himself. That was the power of Steven Lim.

**May 2023**

“It’s time for an episode of Watcher Weekly!” Shane announced at 9am on a sunny Friday in May. It was a lowkey week, no huge announcements or goofy games to play, just Shane, Ryan, and Steven chilling and answering questions. 

“Going straight to the Qs this week,” Shane continued after Ryan and Steven made their own introductions. “Got a juicy one here from YouTube—oh shit.”

Shane’s phone buzzed with a phone call. Ryan nudged him. “So rude. Turn that shit off.”

“You will notice my phone is turned to silent,” Steven said proudly, waving his around.

“It’s Lisa,” Shane said, glancing at Ryan. She was their social worker at the adoption agency.

His tune immediately changed, snatching Shane’s phone out of his hand and answering himself. 

“Hello? Lisa?”

“Put it on speaker,” Shane hissed when he tried to grab the phone back and Ryan wormed out of his way.

Ryan did, leaning forward on his knees. “Hey, sorry, Lisa, say that again? I had to put you on speaker, Shane’s here.”

“Oh! Hi guys, I’m glad you’re both there,” she said warmly. “I have some good news.”

There was no breath in Shane’s throat. He couldn’t move. Distantly, he heard Ryan squeak out a “You do?”

“Yes. You have been selected by a birth mother to be the parents of her baby when she arrives in eight weeks. Congratulations!”

Shane was still frozen. The room had erupted in noise and movement. He vaguely felt hands on his back and the smell of Steven’s hair gel was in his nose but he couldn’t focus. 

_Baby. Eight weeks. Parents. She._

Ryan finally cut through the static, holding Shane’s face in his hands. He was smiling big enough to power a nuclear reactor. “Shane! A baby, we’re getting a baby!”

“Girl,” Shane amended, his voice thick like mud. “Lisa said ‘she’. Baby girl.”

Tears welled up in Ryan’s big, beautiful eyes. “Baby girl.”

* * *

“Please explain to the camera what exactly you’re doing,” Steven instructed as he fiddled with the sound board.

“We’re not putting this on the channel, we don’t have to explain shit,” Ryan shot back as he adjusted the Top Five board on his thigh.

Steven pinched the bridge of his nose. “Yeah, but you’re filming this for posterity and maybe you won’t remember why the heck you two did this in twenty years.”

“Okay fine.” Ryan cleared his throat. “Welcome to Top Five Beatdown: Baby Name Edition. Shane and I are going to battle it out with our top five picks for our daughter’s name.”

“And I’m going to win,” Shane said with a wink, pointing at the camera.

“We’ll see about that, big guy,” Ryan grinned. “Alright, let’s see your lame-ass number five choice that will definitely not be our daughter’s name.”

“I think you’re gonna like this one,” Shane said as he peeled off the “5” board to reveal _Maizey_ written in bold letters. “Maizey!”

“Absolutely fucking not,” Ryan said immediately.

“You haven’t even heard my reasoning yet!”

“I don’t have to, you did this just to get me riled up!” 

“I did not, I think it’s a lovely name!” Shane lied, playing up his faux-innocent act. Riling Ryan up was his favorite thing in the world, after all. 

“Can you believe this? Steven, seriously, you know he’s doing this to piss me off,” Ryan said to the camera. Steven just shook his head. “Fine. Well, I hate it and we’re not naming her after your stupid fucking Hot Daga that you never even finished.”

“Well, what’s your fifth choice, then?”

“Mine is much better, it’s,” he pulled the board off. “Jackson!”

“Jackson,” Shane repeated flatly.

“Yeah! It’s more of a boy’s name, but who gives a shit about that? It’ll be unique and we can call her Jack or Jackie too.”

Five years ago, Shane may have missed the reference, but after being married to Ryan Bergara for two years and living with him for twice as long, he caught it immediately. “As in Phil Jackson?”

Ryan’s smile faltered. “Maybe. What’s wrong if it is?”

“No Lakers,” Shane said, dramatically lifting his foot to slam back down on the floor. “I’m putting my foot down.”

“Oh c’mon—”

“No.”

“Fine, then no Hot Daga or any other Shane Madej Original Characters from you,” Ryan shot back. 

“Fine.”

“Fine! What’s your number four?”

“Violet,” Shane said as he dropped the number four board on the ground. “A sweet little girl name, and it will match the lavender trim in her room.”

“Okay, I don’t hate that,” Ryan said as a smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “I don’t love it, either, but it’s not bad. Where’d you get it from?”

“Couple places. Remember that early Puppet History about the Titanic lady? She was a Violet. And it also might be in the title of one of my favorite National albums,” Shane admitted.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Oh good, she can be depressed all the time, then.”

“What’s your next one then?”

“Leota!” Ryan said with a flourish, even as he dropped the board onto his foot. Steven snickered behind the camera. “Ow. Anyway, another good, unique name for our good, unique girl.”

“Wait, why does that sound familiar?” Shane frowned.

Ryan pretended he didn’t hear. “It’s German and means ‘of the people’, which I think is cool too.”

Shane tuned him out as he racked his brain for _Leota_. He knew that name, it was so fucking familiar. But from where? An old Unsolved case? Another Lakers reference? Some Disney character? Wait, Disney…that rang a bell. That rang the _exact_ bell.

“THE HAUNTED MANSION LADY?!” Shane exploded.

“Is that her name? I totally forgot about that!” Ryan lied very unconvincingly. “Anyway, isn’t Leota Bergara-Madej a cool name?”

Shane sighed. He loved Ryan, but his acting still left a lot to be desired. “Yeah, it is, but why can’t you just be upfront about wanting to name her after something you love?”

“Because I knew you’d shoot it down if I did!”

Shane reached over to squeeze Ryan’s knee. “Ryan, I promise you this. From now on, if I shoot down one of your names it’s because I think they suck and not because it’s a reference to something you like. Okay?”

“Alright. Same here,” Ryan said, patting Shane’s hand. “So, what do you think of Leota, seriously?”

“I like that it’s different,” he admitted. “But it’s not my top choice. It reminds me of Ray Liotta too much.”

Ryan grimaced. “Ugh, I guess that’s fair. Okay, let’s move on to three. Mine is an Unsolved reference, but I promise it’s not after a murderer.”

Shane’s heart beat a little faster against his ribs. His number three was also an Unsolved reference. “Let’s see it.”

Ryan peeled number three off to reveal _Sarah_. “Now, I know we know a Sara, but this is spelled different, and it’s for—”

“Sarah Winchester,” Shane finished as he pulled his own three board off to reveal _Winnie_. “I had the same idea.”

Ryan’s soft smile immediately turned into disgust. “ _Winnie_? Like ‘The Pooh’?!”

“It’s cute! It’s short for Winnifred. And it will still work as a Winchester house reference without the needless confusion of naming her the same name as one of our closest friends.”

“Shane, she’s already going to be the daughter of us two knuckleheads, we can’t make it harder by naming her Winnie The Pooh.”

Ryan had a point. “That’s fair, I suppose. But I also think we can’t name her Sarah unless it’s after our Sara, and that’s all very confusing anyway.”

“Yeah,” Ryan agreed. He nudged his shoe up against Shane’s. “I like that we had the same idea, though. First place we ever ghost hunted.”

Shane nudged back. “I do too.”

Ryan cleared his throat again. “Okay big guy, what’ve you got for number two?”

“Now this one I think you’re gonna really like.” He revealed _Alexandria_ written on the white board. “Alexandria. Or Alexandra. Can be shortened to Alex or Al or Lex or Lexie, got a lot of variety there. Very versatile, and I think it’ll fit her well.”

“Shane, I swear to God,” Ryan shook his head as he laughed. “Stop being so full of shit. You want it because your middle name is Alexander.”

“I can want it for multiple reasons.”

“I guess I might as well do this.” Ryan dropped his number two board to reveal _Stephanie_. “So we can argue about which version of our middle name is better.”

Shane cracked up. “No way.”

“You two are so predictable,” Steven said, shaking his head.

“So mine also works as a tribute to my dad, which I know the Doc will appreciate,” Ryan said. 

“And your co-founder!” Steven provided helpfully.

Shane caught Ryan’s eye. “I thought we had something for that already.”

“Well, yeah, but Stephanie is still cute. Steph Bergara-Madej? That girl’s a WNBA superstar.”

“I think Steven’s good on the tributes,” Shane reminded him. “And besides, Lexie Bergara-Madej is gonna be the next Kathryn Bigelow.”

“What are you talking about? What tribute am I getting?” Steven asked.

Ryan and Shane pointedly ignored him. It was too early for that. “Okay, so still on the table are really good names like Leota and Steph and two so-so names like Violet and Alex, right? Only two more names left.”

“You wanna go first or me?” Shane asked.

“You can go so we can save the best for last,” Ryan teased.

Shane didn’t dignify that with a comment. “Okay, so my number one choice might be a little unconventional and a little old-fashioned, but I really like the nickname for it, so.”

He tore off the number one board to reveal _Eloise/Ellie_. “I know you’re gonna hate Eloise, but isn’t Ellie the greatest?” Shane asked as he began ticking off all his talking points on his fingers. “One, Dr. Ellie Sattler. Two, she can go by Elle if she wants to someday. Good to have options, you know. Three—,”

“Shane.”

“No, I’m not finished. Three, it’s super cute—,”

“SHANE!”

“What?!”

“Look at my fucking board,” Ryan told him, his voice creaky. 

Shane looked up to see that Ryan had revealed his top spot as well. In big bold letters was _Eliana/Ellie_.

“Oh.” Shane was not typically at a loss for words, but he didn’t know what else to say.

“Wow. Your weird mind-melds never cease to amaze me,” Steven remarked.

“Laura Dern really made an impact on us, huh?” Ryan asked.

“That she did.” Shane set his board down. “So, which longer version of her name should we go with? There’s also Eleanor, Elena, Elizabeth, lots of El-names.”

Ryan set his board down as well before reaching over to grasp Shane’s hand. “You looked them up too, huh?” 

“Sure did.”

“Well, I don’t love Eloise,” Ryan told him. “It could just be Ellie. Not short for anything.”

“Nah, I like having a longer name. Will be good for disciplining, pull out the ol’ full name. Plus it gives her options once she’s an adult if she wants to go by something different,” Shane said. “Eliana Bergara-Madej. I like that.”

Ryan’s smile twitched. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Shane smiled back. Then in a quieter tone he added, “Can we tell Steven now?”

Ryan nodded. “Hey, Steven, c’mere a minute.”

“Do you want me to cut?”

Shane and Ryan pulled apart to beckon him. “Nah, it’s fine.”

Looking suspicious, Steven joined them on the couch. “What is it?”

“So, Steve, we didn’t just ask you to film this for us because of the name stuff, although I am glad we did,” Ryan started. “We also wanted to ask you something.”

“Uh-oh. Last time you two did this I ended up the CEO of a company,” Steven joked.

“Yeah, we like to go big,” Shane told him. “And today’s no different.”

“Okay, now I’m nervous.”

“Steven Lim, would you like to be Ellie’s godfather?”

“What? Really?” Steven asked, his eyes wide. “No, you’re messing with me, aren’t you?”

“Nope,” Ryan promised. “There’s no one we trust more than you.”

“Plus we know you’ll feed her only the best gold,” Shane said with a grin.

“Gosh,” Steven laughed, a burst of nervous giggles. “I’m like, really overwhelmed right now. Wow, you guys.” 

“So, whattaya say, Big Uncle Steve? You gonna be Ellie’s godfather?” Ryan asked as he clapped Steven on the back.

“It would be my greatest honor,” Steven said with enough sincerity to give Shane heartburn.

“Okay, calm down there buddy,” Shane said as he tried to turn this feelings ship back around. “Don’t be wishin’ for us to croak just to get your gold-dusted fingers on our kid.”

“I’m gonna hug you now,” Ryan told him before pulling Steven into a hug. “Thanks, man.”

“Of course,” Steven said.

Shane sighed before wrapping his long arms around them both. So much for turning the feelings around. “Thank you, Big Uncle Steve.”

Steven snorted into Ryan’s shoulder. “That name’s not gonna stick, is it?”

“Big Uncle Steve doesn’t like his nickname, can you believe this shit?” Ryan asked in a terrible Brooklyn accent.

“Unbelievable,” Shane agreed, in his own New York City voice.

Steven sighed.

**July 2023**

“This is taking too long, something’s wrong,” Ryan said for the fiftieth time in as many minutes as he paced across the hospital floor.

“Giving birth takes a really long fucking time, Ryan. Didn’t all those parenting classes we took teach you anything?”

“It’s been—” Ryan checked his phone, “—eight hours, man, and we haven’t gotten any updates in two and that means something’s wrong.” He crouched down onto the balls of his feet. “What if something happened? Like...worst case scenario, something happened?”

“ _Ryan_ ,” Shane snapped. “Nothing happened, okay? If it had, they’d tell us. We haven’t heard anything because babies take their sweet time coming into the world. Come sit down. Please.”

Reluctantly, Ryan collapsed into the chair next to Shane. He looked as stressed as Shane had ever seen him, even worse than the night before Watcher launched. But dealing with a stressed out Ryan Bergara was one of Shane’s best skills, so he had a solution.

“Tell me a story,” Shane said as he wrapped an arm around Ryan’s shoulders.

“A story? About what?”

“Some old crime. One with lots of murder and mayhem, preferably one where I can use my funny voices.”

“I thought you were done listening to me tell you murder stories,” Ryan muttered.

Shane rubbed his thumb up and down Ryan’s arm. “I’m making an exception. If, for no other reason, to get you to calm down.”

“Fair enough. But if you think I can remember any details about anything right now, you’re off your fucking rocker.”

“Wikipedia one,” Shane suggested. “Read the page to me. That’s not that different than what you used to do on Unsolved.”

“Haha,” Ryan said, unamused. “Which one should I look up?”

“Start with ol’ DB Coops. Haven’t heard that one in awhile.”

They spent the next few hours like that. Ryan reading Wikipedia articles of the greatest true crime hits, and the occasional history of a haunted house, while Shane cut in with jokes and snarky comments. Ryan’s parents and both of their brothers were there too, helping to keep Ryan’s mind at ease and going for snack runs while they waited. It felt right, talking about the one thing that had brought them together all those years ago, even if it wasn’t Shane’s favorite topic. It helped Ryan. That was enough.

It was 3am on the dot when a nurse popped around the corner, a smile on her already kind face. Shane would always remember it because Ryan never let him forget it was “the witching hour”. 

“Ryan? Shane?”

Ryan shot up like a light. “Yeah?” 

“She’s here.”

Shane was stuck, glued to the waiting room chair. Scott patted him on the shoulder, but Shane couldn’t move. After waiting for hours and hours, it was all suddenly happening way too fast. 

Next thing Shane knew, Lisa appeared with a tightly wrapped bundle in her arms. Scott finally forced Shane to stand, dragging him up by his armpits. The room was blurry, like his glasses weren’t on correctly. Shane needed more time. He wasn’t ready. How the fuck had he thought he was ready?

“Meet your daughter,” Lisa smiled as she carefully transferred the bundle into Ryan’s arms.

“Holy shit. Hi, baby girl,” Ryan said, his voice a watery mess. He was holding her so securely, all those arm workouts finally paying off in a way that mattered. “I’m your dad.”

A warm hand found its way into Shane’s and pulled him forward. Linda brought him to Ryan’s side, giving him a motherly pat on the back as she did. Shane’s own parents wouldn’t be there for a couple weeks and he didn’t realize until this moment how fortunate he was to have Ryan’s there.

“Shane, look at her,” Ryan said, his eyes locked on her. “She’s so beautiful.”

Shane looked. He looked and looked and looked. She was so wrapped up in blankets that all he could see was her face, all squished and bright red with a shock of black hair plastered across her forehead. She blinked her eyes open and Shane couldn’t breathe. They were dark and brown and full of wonder.

Ryan was wrong. Beautiful wasn’t a big enough word.

He had to touch her. Had to make sure this was real. 

Shane rested a hand gently across her body, his fingers just grazing her chin. She was so warm, even through the blankets, her tiny body doing so much work to keep her alive. Shane didn’t believe in miracles, but now he understood why people did. 

“She’s real,” Shane croaked.

“You wanna hold her?” Ryan asked him.

He did, but he couldn’t trust himself with something so precious. “Oh, I’m not—I can’t.”

“Yeah you can,” Ryan said. “Just do what I’m doing.”

“She’ll get altitude sickness,” Shane joked desperately. 

“No, she won’t. C’mon, you can do this,” Scott said from the other side of him. 

Everything was blurry again as Shane’s heart pounded against his chest. He always fled in times like this, when the stress and pressure became too much. Always better to avoid the hard stuff than do it wrong. But he couldn’t do that now. He had to fight every ounce of panic in his body and be present. He had to pull a Ryan Bergara and walk into a building that was filled with his greatest fear. For the first time in his life, Shane was going to have to be brave. 

He held his arms out like Ryan had and took a deep breath. “Okay.”

Cautiously, slowly Ryan deposited their daughter into Shane’s arms. She squirmed, fussing at the movement, but as soon as Shane had his hands on her he held her close, a voice in his mind reminding him to secure her head. Ryan’s hand was there too, stroking a finger down her cheek.

“See? You’re a natural, big guy.”

Shane didn’t respond, wanting to choose his first words to her carefully. But his mind was mush, pounded into paste by those big brown eyes. So he said all he could.

“Hi Ellie.”

**August 2023**

The first month was a blur. The constant stream of family and friends coming by to meet Ellie was almost as exhausting as Ellie herself. Shane wasn’t sure he could handle any more hugs and soft eyes. Even TJ had pulled Shane into a one-armed embrace. _TJ_. 

At least their parents had been great help, doing grocery runs and dog walks while Ryan and Shane wrestled with swaddling and formula and changing table disasters. But at some point, Ryan and Shane and Ellie had to be left to their own devices, to figure out how their family functioned. 

Unfortunately, Shane wasn't sure they functioned at all.

Cries rang out on the baby monitor. Bleary-eyed, Shane checked the time. 4:14am.

“Got it,” Ryan said, already rolling out of bed.

“You got the last two, I’ll do it,” Shane mumbled.

“I’m already up.”

“You need to sleep, I can—”

“I’ve got it,” Ryan repeated before leaving Shane alone in their bedroom. 

Shane stared up at the ceiling, his eyes burning with exhaustion. Ryan had insisted on doing all the nighttime feedings, which would be one thing if he wasn’t also trying to do all the daytime ones too, along with diaper changes and laundry and playtime. He was running himself ragged, barely sleeping, irritable with everyone besides Ellie, and driving Shane crazy. Shane kept trying to intervene, offering to take the night shift, but Ryan’s light sleeping always meant he woke up too, if he had fallen asleep at all. 

When Ryan crawled back into bed, Shane curled a hand around his shoulder. “Let me get the next one. You should sleep.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not, let me—”

“I’m doing you a favor, you know,” Ryan snapped. “Just take the extra few hours of sleep and get off my back about it.”

Furious and hurt, Shane rolled over away from him. What a favor, granting Shane a couple hours of angry, restless sleep. Instead of starting a fight he knew he’d never win, Shane thought of a new way to get Ryan to give up a little control. He was going to let Ryan run himself into the ground, hoping his exhaustion would overpower his need to do everything. 

Three days went by, however, and Ryan was still going. His eyes were constantly bloodshot, he hadn’t washed his hair, and his mood was worse than ever, but he wouldn’t stop. Shane didn’t know what to do. He thought about asking someone for help, but he didn’t want to bother anyone with a problem he should’ve been able to deal with. Ryan was _his_ husband, after all.

Shane decided to use one of their greatest loves, movies, to try and get things back on track. After putting Ellie to bed, Shane put on one of Ryan’s favorites, _Little Women_. He hoped it would either let Ryan relax or even put him to sleep. Either would be a win.

It didn’t work.

Instead of watching the movie, Ryan watched the baby-cam on his phone, and every fifteen minutes he rushed into Ellie’s room to check on her, convinced he’d seen her start to cry or that Obi was going to jump in her crib or that her mittens weren’t on straight. Shane didn’t know what to do. 

“Be right back,” Ryan said, his eyes glued on his phone.

“What now?”

“Saw a weird shadow.”

“A shadow,” Shane repeated, his frustration barely contained.

“Yeah. Shit, I never researched this place, there could be some dark shit going on here. Is the spirit box still in storage or did we take it to the office?”

“Are….are you suggesting there is a _ghost_ in our daughter’s nursery?” Shane asked very carefully.

“Well, yeah, maybe. That shadow was weird as—hey!”

Shane had snatched Ryan’s phone and stuffed it into the couch cushions. “Enough!”

“What are you doing? Give it back!”

“No.”

Ryan tried to reach for the phone, but Shane blocked him. “Give it back, I have to watch her!”

“No, you don’t, Ryan. She’s asleep, she’s _fine._ ”

“Look, I know you suddenly don’t give a shit, but someone has to take care of our daughter around here.”

Shane’s blood turned to ice. “ _Excuse me_?”

“All week, you’ve barely fed her, changed her, checked on her,” Ryan said, counting them off on his fingers. “I’m just picking up your slack.”

Shane fell back against the couch, stunned, hurt, and furious. “Un-fucking-believable. This is a new level of delusion, even for you.”

“What, have I imagined the fourteen thousand diapers I’ve changed this week?”

“Ryan, the reason I haven’t done those things is that _you keep doing them first_ ,” Shane told him. “Every time I tried, you just did it anyway. You won’t let me take care of her!”

“What about last night, then, huh? She woke up _five times_. Five goddamn times and you never even said a goddamn word,” Ryan shot back. “I know your processing unit doesn’t register her cries as an alarm, but Jesus Christ.”

“Quit martyring yourself, you know goddamn well if I had offered, you would’ve told me you had it and to go back to sleep.”

“You are the one that’s un-fucking-belivable, you—”

A small cry interrupted them. Ryan immediately got to his feet, but Shane was right there with him. Guilt erupted in the pit of Shane’s stomach, realizing they’d probably woken Ellie up with their arguing.

“I’ll go,” Ryan said automatically, but Shane stopped him with a hand on his shoulder.

“No, you won’t.”

WIthout another word, Shane jogged to Ellie’s nursery. She was wailing in her crib, her little mittened hands flailing about. Carefully, Shane scooped her up.

“Hey, little apple tater, what’s wrong?” he asked as he held her firm against his chest.

Ellie just cried, so Shane checked her diaper, but it was dry. More guilt curdled in Shane’s stomach. Whatever was going on with him and Ryan wasn’t just affecting them, it was getting to her, too. Shane shifted his hold so that Ellie’s head was against his shoulder, while he held her bottom and the back of her head. She continued to wail, breaking every part of Shane’s heart. 

“Well, if we’re having a crying party here,” Shane whispered as a tear fell down his nose. 

He had fucked up. He should’ve fought harder for this, for these moments of just him and his daughter. She was already so much bigger in only a month, her features settling into the most beautiful face Shane had ever seen. Giant brown eyes and a smile to match. She even had a single dimple. He’d lost out on a week’s worth of dimples, and for what? To teach Ryan a lesson or some other bullshit? What the fuck was wrong with him?

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Ellie,” Shane said hoarsely as he walked her around her room. When he turned back toward the door, Ryan was there, watching them with his own teary eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Shane repeated, locking eyes with him. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Me too,” Ryan replied, his voice a mess too. “I’m really sorry.”

Shane rocked Ellie back to sleep while Ryan watched, hovering in the doorway. Once she was back down, Shane quietly closed the door behind him.

“You want a beer?” Ryan asked.

“I do.”

Ryan grabbed them each a bottle while Shane slid onto one of the barstools at their kitchen island. 

“So. I did two really stupid things,” Ryan said as he joined him.

“Just two?”

“For the week,” he clarified. “One, I started drinking coffee again—”

“ _Ryan_.”

“—and I joined a bunch of parenting forums,” Ryan finished, taking a long pull of his beer. 

“ _Ryan!_ ” Shane repeated, alarmed. “What the fuck? Why?”

“I thought I could handle it. A cup or two of coffee to get me through the day with a newborn shouldn’t be that big a deal, right? And I didn’t want to bug my mom anymore, so I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a couple strangers’ opinions.” Ryan picked at the corner of the beer bottle label. “But now my stomach hurts all the time and I’m convinced that I’m the most neglectful, shittiest dad ever, so joke’s on me.”

“Well that explains why you’ve been a miserable jackass all week,” Shane said as he rubbed a hand up Ryan’s back. 

“Yup. Those people are awful on those things, you know. You ask one question about what kind of formula people like and all hell breaks loose.”

“People being awful on the internet? Oh, my stars and garters!” Shane joked. 

“One of them said the parents should take turns doing nighttime feedings, like a week at a time, so I thought I was doing you a favor,” Ryan explained. “But I couldn’t let it go during the day, either. And then you stopped pushing back so I thought that meant it was what you wanted, too.”

“I fucked up,” Shane admitted. “I thought if I let you do everything, you’d tire yourself out. But I underestimated your stamina.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” Ryan grinned with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Shane snorted, tousling Ryan’s hair. “Okay, Mr. Energizer Bunny.”

Ryan took a long sip of his beer. “I’m sorry. Again.”

“Me too.” Shane reached over to squeeze Ryan’s fingers. “We were bound to fuck up sooner or later, I suppose.”

“Yeah.” Ryan twisted his wrist so they could lace their fingers together. “I’m so fucking tired, dude.”

“Let me take the night shift for a week or so. Let you get caught back up on your sleep.”

“You sure?”

“I miss her,” Shane said, powering through the frog in his throat. “When it’s just the two of us. Not that I don’t like it when it’s the three of us or—”

“It’s okay, big guy, I know what you mean,” Ryan cut in. “It’s the best. _She’s_ the best.”

“She is.” Shane scrubbed his free hand through his hair. “Ryan, promise me something, okay?”

“Anything.”

“Don’t let me become that stereotypical distant dad,” Shane said as he stared at the countertop. “I could feel myself getting there this week and I didn’t even realize it until I held her tonight and it scares the shit outta me.”

“You’re not going to be, Shane. A true distant dad wouldn’t give a shit and you give so many shits,” Ryan told him. “If you slack sometimes, it’s not going to be the end of the world.”

Shane wasn’t sure Ryan truly believed that, but he let it slide. “Okay, well then you need to promise me to not pick up my slack. Like, if I’m on diaper duty, don’t do it for me. Look how easy it was for us to fuck up without our parents here. We have to get this rhythm right. For Ellie.”

Ryan rubbed his hands over his face. “Shit. You’re right.”

“Can I get that in writing, preferably embossed on a plaque?”

“Nope.” Ryan tipped his beer bottle towards Shane. “I promise to not be such a control freak.”

Shane cheers’d him. “And I promise to take more control.”

Later that night, when Ellie’s cries rang out on the baby monitor, Shane rolled out of bed, hoping Ryan was still asleep.

“Shane?”

Of course.

“Yeah?”

“Sing to her. She likes that right now, especially ‘Believe Me Maizey.’”

Shane’s heart skipped a beat. “What?”

“You heard me,” Ryan said with a yawn. “She likes all your dumb songs.”

Shane couldn’t help it, he leaned down to give Ryan a big kiss on the mouth. “I love you.”

“I know.” Ryan jutted his chin toward the door. “Go take care of our girl.”

Shane did.

**October 2023**

Ryan and Shane wanted to go all out for Ellie’s first Halloween, do a family costume, have a party, decorate the house, the whole nine, but Ryan’s last-ditch effort to get Blumhouse to sponsor a season of Spooky Small Talk came through and all their planning fell by the wayside. Ryan was even going to have to work on Halloween itself, as it was the only day James Wan could do the shoot. 

As bummed as Shane was that they weren’t going to be able to spend their favorite holiday together, he was more thrilled for Ryan. Going back to work full-time had been rough on him, and it was so wonderful to see him so excited about filming again.

But just because Ryan wasn’t going to be there didn’t mean Shane wasn’t going to make Ellie’s first Halloween special. He hung up a couple strings of orange lights around their bookcase that displayed all their favorite Unsolved memorabilia—Mothman figurine, a key from the Bigfoot hotel, fanart, the Gene Who Was French Fries plush, photographs, the Holly Horseley head, etc. Then he got both himself and Ellie into costume, as the propeller puppet and the Professor, respectively. Shane’s was simple but absurd, a grey turtleneck and some foam propeller wings glued to a headband. Ellie’s, on the other hand, was a very faithful recreation, as American Girl Doll made human clothes to match their dolls. Ellie was a spitting image of the Professor, save for the blue fur and glasses. 

“I know, your dad wanted us to go as the Wizard of Oz, but it won’t be the same without our Cowardly Lion. Besides, look how cute you are in this bowtie!”

Ellie just gurgled as she haphazardly tried to pull the hat off her head.

“Okay, okay, so you don’t like the hat. But keep it on for the picture, huh?”

Ellie did not oblige, forcing the hat off every time Shane tried to set up a picture in front of the bookcase. Finally he just held it on her head until the timer on his phone went off. Good enough. 

He sent the picture to Ryan.

S: _Happy Halloween from your favorite puppet history host and guest puppet!_

R: _cute but_ _wheres the dorothy costume :(_

S: _we’re waiting on you. <3_

R: _aw <3_

After Shane pocketed his phone, he noticed that Ellie seemed to be entranced by the orange lights. He stood up so she could get a closer look from the baby bjorn she was strapped in against Shane’s chest. 

“You like the lights, baby Bergmeister? Does the orange remind you of Obi?”

She stared in awe, reaching out with her little hand towards them.

“We can’t touch those, they’re hot. What about this?” Shane picked up the Gene Who Was French Fries plush and held it front of her. “You can play with this!”

Ellie was not interested. Shane sighed. That was surely Ryan’s influence at work. “Okay, what about this guy? This is the mysterious Mothman, he lives in West Virginia and terrorizes the skies there. Or, at least that’s what your dad believes. He believes a lot of kooky stuff, but we love that about him.”

She wasn’t all that into Mothman either, her attention now diverted to a framed picture of Shane and Ryan on their Forrest Fenn treasure hunt. With a smile, Shane picked it up so she could have a closer look. 

“You recognize Daddy and Papa? That’s so good, Ellie!” 

Ellie cooed, reaching out to pat the frame.

“That was a really good day. It’s the whole reason you’re here with us in the first place,” Shane said, remembering like it was yesterday. “That was the day I kissed your dad for the first time.”

Shane took the photo and sat down on the couch, his other hand around Ellie’s middle. “Oh, I guess I’ll just have to start at the beginning, won’t I? Well, not the very _very_ beginning, that would take all night, but a few months before this trip. Dad and I went out after a long work week and had some libations, like you do. Your dad gets very, well, he gets flirty when he drinks and it’s all a lot for me, and at one point, he got all up in my space on the dance floor and told me...well, I can’t tell you what you really said, so let’s just say he told me he liked me. Of course, I liked him back, he’s your dad, but I didn’t think he meant it. We weren’t of sound minds, after all. So, I lied and told him I wasn’t interested. You, uh, you shouldn’t lie, by the way. Just to impart a little lesson for ya there.”

Ellie burped. That was good enough recognition for Shane.

“So, anyway, time went by. I grew even more terribly in love with your dad while he respectfully kept his distance. It was all very tragic, as you can imagine. But we were still the best of friends and co-hosts. And one day, we went to New Mexico to go treasure hunting! And I’ll never forget, your aunt Devon called me into your dad’s hotel room and told me to do some set-up lines for the camera while he finished getting ready. So I was doing that and then your dad, oh Ellie, it was...I can’t even explain it. He walked out of that bathroom dressed as Indiana Jones.”

Shane pointed over to Ryan’s Raiders of the Lost Ark poster hanging next to the couch. “You’ll see that when you’re older, if Daddy hasn’t already shown it to you illicitly when I’m at work. Anyway, I was beside myself. How on earth was I supposed to spend all day with him dressed like that? But Papa persevered, somehow. That night, though, after we did not find the treasure, I knocked on your dad’s door and I stumbled through the most awkward attempt at flirting any human has ever tried. It was painful. But, thankfully, he’s much better at me at that stuff, and he kissed me. And, well, that was that, we’ve been together ever since.”

Ellie patted the photograph again, knocking her hands against her dads’ smiling faces. Shane kissed the top of her head.

“He’s the best thing to ever happen to me. Because if I didn’t have him, I wouldn’t have you either.”

Shane shook his head at himself for that. Fatherhood had made him so soft.

He, Ellie, and Oscar handed out candy to trick-or-treaters for a while. Oscar greatly enjoyed the many pets he got from the kids and their parents, much more than he liked his hot dog costume, anyway. 

Once Ellie had had enough of strangers, Shane turned off the porch light and put on a spooky kids cartoon marathon for them. It didn’t take long for both of them to fall asleep, Shane splayed out on his back and Ellie snoozing on his chest (still strapped into the baby harness). It must’ve been a few hours later when Shane was awoken by the shutter of a phone-camera.

“Ellie, I think we’re being photographed,” Shane mumbled, reflexively gripping her tighter to his chest.

“Sue me, it’s a cute fucking picture,” Ryan said before dropping a quick kiss to Shane’s forehead. “I see you two had an exciting night.”

“Very thrilling. We handed out candy for thirty whole minutes before watching cartoons.”

Ellie stirred, whimpering into Shane’s chest. Ryan undid the straps of the harness and pulled her into his lap where he was sitting on the coffee table.

“Hey, you’re okay, big girl,” Ryan cooed. “I missed you tonight.”

Shane sat up, stretching out his limbs. “How was the shoot?”

“Good. A stressful nightmare like it always is, but y’know, still good.” Ryan ran his fingers over Ellie’s bowtie. “These costumes are ridiculous, by the way. Cute, but ridiculous.”

“Hey, what’s the point of having a baby if you can’t dress her up like the star of your own puppet show?” 

“No offense to the real Professor, but Professor Ellie is much cuter.”

“He wouldn’t argue with that.”

Ryan picked up the Forrest Fenn photo. “Hey, what’s this doing here?” 

“Oh. I was showing Ellie our Unsolved shelf and she was very fascinated by that picture,” Shane said. “So I told her the whole story, about us and that day.”

Ryan’s eyebrows shot up. “The whole story?”

“Well, the PG version, anyway.”

“Did you also tell her that I had asked you out months earlier, but you were too cowardly to accept?”

Shane rolled his eyes. “For the thousandth time, we were drunk, you can’t blame me for assuming you were full of crap.”

“Nah. Papa was just a big ol’ scaredy cat,” Ryan said to Ellie. “It’s very important to me that you know that.”

“Hey, I came around. I was the one who knocked on your door that night,” Shane reminded him.

“‘Uh, hey, Ryan, it’s me. It’s Shane. Madej. I thought you would maybe possibly be interested in hanging out tonight. But you probably don’t, it’s been a long day, no worries, I’ll see you later,’” Ryan recalled, adopting a terrible Midwestern accent to impersonate Shane with. “Really stellar job there, big guy.”

“Yeah, well, it worked didn’t it?” Shane motioned between themselves and to Ellie. “Look where it got us.”

“I guess that’s true.” Ryan tapped his thumb against the photograph. “We owe ol’ Fenn, then, don’t we? For all of this?”

“I don’t want to give him too much credit. We should also thank the brave buttons who lost the fight against your chest that day.”

Ryan snorted, shaking his head. “Your papa is silly, Ellie.”

“It’s not my fault your daddy is a brick house,” Shane said, giving her nose a gentle tweak.

The most wondrous noise burst out of her. A high-pitched squeal of laughter. 

Her first.

“Holy shit! Did she just laugh?” Ryan asked, equally high-pitched.

As he always was when he was stunned, Shane was speechless. He made her laugh for the first time. Of the thousands and millions and billions of laughs she would have in her life, her first one was because of Shane.

Ryan scooped Ellie up off his lap to lay a big kiss on her forehead. “You laughed, Ellie! That was so cool! _You_ are so cool! Shane, can you believe it?”

“I...I made her laugh,” Shane said quietly.

“Oh boy. Looks like Papa’s system crashed.” Ryan switched to sitting on the couch, Ellie still in his arms. “C’mon, come back online, you can do it.”

“Sorry.” Shane wiped his eyes with his forearm. “I didn’t expect that.”

“Her laughing or you shutting down?”

“Both.” Shane ran a finger down Ellie’s cheek, smiling as she flailed her arms, trying to catch his hand. “What a special girl we have, Ry.”

Ryan lifted her high into the air. “The most specialist, most wonderful, most amazing girl in the world. That’s you, Ellie!”

She squealed again as Ryan brought her back down. As soon as he could, Shane wrapped his arms around them both. The love he had for these two was unlike anything he could have ever imagined. It hadn’t been easy, but Shane knew he was a better person now, more patient, more open-minded, more empathetic, all thanks to the two greatest smiles in the world. 

Shane didn’t believe that luck or a miracle or fate had brought them together. But he believed in Ryan and Ellie. 


End file.
